December


I’m back. It's almost the end of the year.

Actually i didn’t have any intention to write for this blog anymore. But right now my head is full of random stuff that unfortunately not the positive thought. I feel that i need something to let it out. So, here it is.

 ~

 In my opinion, human is a creature that basically needs attention. Even introvert. They still need someone in their life. Me as well. My dream is to live abroad, get a peaceful place, get a job  surrounded by children, but i’m wealthy and able to take part on charities. What a dream. I know here i’m not being realistic. I think it happens because i read too many fiction stories, haha. No doubt.

Recently i’m being too sensitive. I worried about everything, even trivial things. I found my self wasn’t capable enough to start learning something, start a conversation with new people, or having fun like others did. Even until now i still can’t figure it out. I’m scared. There will be no future that is guaranteed. I’m too scared to have high expectations till it disturbs everything that i wanna do. I see everything is pointless, unless you’ve gotten the spotlight, or something special in your life. I’m still blind about how people like-who maybe-start from zero can get a lot of opportunities. My mind is just set that special person will take every part. There’s nothing you can do but being defeated by those people.

I know it’s not a healthy mindset, so here i’m, trying to let it out while think more about what’s wrong with my life. I’m not mature yet and i aware of my self condition which is fragile cause no one got my back, but Allah. I know i stand alone against all of this chaos in my mind, although probably the devil and the angel interfere. So i need to be more independent.

I need a peace at least in my mind. I wanna be happy because i walk on the right path. Not have to be by hanging out with my friends, getting many likes in instagram, taking aesthetic photos, or even dating. I’m not the religious one, but i wanna make sure that i’m in the process of being better.

Like what i wrote before. Human may needs a lot of attention, but it doesn’t mean people will just greet you, smile at you, and wanna have a deep conversation with you. People come and go. That’s how life works. I should be able to adjust my self in every condition. With or without someone that i’ve known. It’s hard—to be honest—dealing with my social life. But if i take a look, back then i was also quiet, couldn’t talk with anyone cause i was too shy and inferior. But time helps me, step by step to know my classmate. Yeah, the time—controlled by Allah.

I don’t know what would i be if i’m really alone, without Allah. But i got through it. It’s such a blessing.

At last but not least, i wanna say “Alhamdulillah”. After write this i feel my burden just melt away. Like Maher Zain said in his song, “that’s the power of remembering Allah”. So it must be the sign of what i should do next. Doing every good thing by remembering Allah cause the strongest intention will always come if it devotes to Allah:)


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